You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I supernannyed him into submission
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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