ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
