mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
