someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
