Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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