He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
