New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
