I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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