i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
