I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
