I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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