i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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