Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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