Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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