The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
