dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
