It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
