you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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