i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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