The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
