toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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