My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
