i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
