that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
