Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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