It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
