It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
