Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
