Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
