Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
