just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
