He disabled his match.com account in front of me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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