my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
