my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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