and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
