Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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