I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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