i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
