Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
