just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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