started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize