I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Send help, water and tortillas.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
