The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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