She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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