We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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