I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
