When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
