There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
