New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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