I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
