and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
