my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My vagina just recognized that song.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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