If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
