like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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