dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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