i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
